SHAME PT. 3 "SHAME'S REVENGE"
yes, the perfectionism *is* in the room right now with us
YES, WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT SHAME! YES, I AM GOING TO BECOME A SHAME INFLUENCER AT THIS RATE!!!!!!!
SHAME, DENIAL, PERFECTIONISM, REPRESSION!
THE FOUR HORSEMEN TO MY INNER APOCALYPSE!
LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THESE NARSTY LIL FKERS SO WE CAN DISMANTLE THEM AND BE FREE!!
IN A SHAME FREE WORLD…
The process for making healthy, self-empowered decisions is as such:
find out you have a flaw in your thinking
trace back your steps, figuring out where the flaw is
put in the new information
make a choice with this new information
move on with a SHINIER UPDATED AND EXPANSIVE operating system…!
Pass Go! Collect $200!!
let’s set the scene shall we?
Imagine you are being guided around my brain space by Nicole Kidman in her health goddess role in 9 Perfect Strangers the book was better than the show
alternatively, imagine that this is being narrated by the interlude voice on Freddie Gibbs Soul Sold Separately where the S’s are replaced by $ but Substack wouldn’t let me do that for some reason??
Anyway, not one of you reading this can accuse me of not providing an immersive experience
Now what is it that I do? Riddled with shame and perfectionism??
NOW DARLING, IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED1
If I find out I’ve been wrong, I UNFORTUNATELY DO NOT simply take that into consideration and pivot; integrating the new knowledge and moving on with my life…
no no- here at shame runs me, religious trauma sector inc., we have a complex and refined process, called the shame spiral short circuit paralysis freak out.
Straight to jail, do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200.
Here! Let me show you:
INTERIOR: J.LO’S HEART FACTORY
Self blame. Internalize immediately. HOW COULD I NOT KNOW WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW?
PANICKED PARALYSIS - am I the last person to know this new piece of information? WHAT IF RIGHT NOW IM THINKING SOMETHING EVEN MORE IGNORANT THAT BEFORE?? CUE INTERNAL HELL FIRES.
NON-LINEAR SPIRAL BACK TO STEP ONE AND TWO ALTERNATING WITH THE DOUBLE DOWN. Pssst, the Double down is a paradox: because I wasn’t smart enough to know everything, I don’t deserve to make a decision from this new vantage point. ONLY if I knew about this vantage point before, that’s the only way it would be allowed proceed with integrating new information.
YOU WANT ME TO LOOK AT HOW I’VE BEEN MAKING A CHOICE THAT ISN’T SERVING ME AND ADMIT THAT I AM WRONG?
(please scroll back up to look at our boy Leo)
BRINGING SOMETHING TO LIGHT is *THE* battleground for me. I’m so afraid to be imperfect, admit to my flaws, admit to my gaps in knowledge and awareness.
WHY?
Perfectionism. but let’s drill down (after all that’s the point of this month’s issue)
SHAME, DENIAL, PERFECTIONISM, REPRESSION- theses are the core pillars I’ve identified in my own life that work in concert to keep me separated from my intuition and authentic desires (in human design terms, I would label this conditioning)
First, let’s establish that PERFECTIONISM RUNS ON DUNKIN REQUIRES SHAME TO OPERATE.
Does the perfectionism trigger the shame or does the shame trigger the perfectionism? I think the former, but I don’t think the mechanics matter here as much as it’s more impactful to identify this process coming online in ourselves.
I’ve been able to pinpoint that my perfectionism was actively harming me for the last 10 years or so, but get too bogged down by the shame of it all (which activates denial and repression) to be able to dismantle it. (but now that i realize shame is actually a block, we’re changing that !!)
GOOD NEWS!! ONCE WE BECOME AWARE OF OUR CONDITIONING, WE *CAN* BEGIN TO MOVE THROUGH IT!!
(I do need you to know that I am hearing this said like at a christmas pageant when they prophesize (my spellcheck is calling me out on this one, but i think i am right) the birth of jesus))
Ok! Let’s review what I’d like to happen versus what’s happening:
I’d like to be able to consistently be hit with new information and take that in stride activating the healthy empowered decision making process outlined at the top.
However - due to my conditioning (shame, perfectionism) what’s typically happening is this:
Faced with information that I’ve made a mistake or am told about a flaw in my thinking, my brain process does NOT load the healthy empowered decision making program, it loads THE I AM BAD, I AM SHAMEFUL, I AM STUPID PROGRAMMING. (which leads to the short-circuit shutdown).
“WE’VE GOT FAULTY WIRING OVER HERE!” (WE’RE STILL IN THE HEART FACTORY, DON’T FORGET)
PERFECTIONISM IS A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT CONTROL
Let’s dig into why this program gets activated:
Perfectionism is a defense mechanism. It’s a false belief that through action I can avoid hurt (by being perfect). Is perfectionism the OG prosperity gospel (or gateway drug into it?🫨)
Perfectionism can spawn self-sabotage- to avoid the hurt and to address the underlying discomfort / chasm between attempting perfection and knowing it is not possible my “IN FACT I DO KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT,” action is to immediately call attention to the flaw OR set myself up for failure!
FLAWED LOGIC: that if we hurt ourselves first, then criticism from others won’t hurt us. SPECIAL BONUS LEVEL!!!
Perfectionism is an endless trauma loop where we just traumatize ourselves ceaselessly by applying obscene amounts of pressure to everything thinking, “THIS TIME IT’S GOING TO BE PERFECT (even if it kills me)”
Perfectionism is such a beautifully designed closed system - in striving for perfection (unachievable) the cycle can only be broken by admitting defeat (inconceivable)
I am sparing you of including a wallace shawn moment here
THIS IS THE INSIDIOUS PART ABOUT SHAME - IT IS A VEIL. IT S A MALICIOUSLY USED TOOL CREATED TO CONTROL AND SEPARATE YOU FROM YOUR TRUTH
SHAME DIVERTS YOUR ATTENTION FROM YOUR DESIRES AND ISSUES FORTH A ONE SIZE FITS ALL BOX AND THEN WE’RE TRICKED INTO THINKING…IF I CAN GET MYSELF TO STAY IN THIS BOX THAT’S ALWAYS PRAISED AND LUSTED OVER, THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE
(AGAIN I INVITE YOU TO SCROLL BACK UP TO LEO’S SATANIC LAUGHTER)
OK HANG WITH ME HERE -
perfectionism, youth obsession, the “good girl" (being good enough, WORTHY ENOUGH, FEELING / BEING CHOSEN) IT IS ALL SEPARATING US FROM OUR INNATE POWER.
Shame short circuits us - keeping us in an endless pursuit that will always be out of reach. It is a tool of oppression. What’s amazing is how we learn to use it so masterfully against ourselves.
I think that the pursuit of perfection is a misguided attempt for safety (enter repression, stage left)
In my attempts to live a mistake free life, to skate by with less pain, and probably most importantly, to deal with the shame, our familiar friend repression comes online to attempt to minimize the damage.
This entire perfection operation is underwritten by repression - fighting back my natural desires, ignoring them and instead - funneling my time, effort, energy, all my attention into - will this save me or not, will this make me more desirable, will this make me more popular, attractive, open up my options...(AND THE FACTS ARE, SOMETIMES IT DOES) 1,000 melting face emojis
<INSERT EVERY MOVIE/SHOW/NARRATIVE ABOUT HIGH STRUNG PERFECT GIRL GONE CRAZY>
a lot of the times my perfectionism comes from the beauty + diet industrial complex. I used to be deeply trapped and entrenched in beauty culture. so much so that basically my entire life was tied up in believing that if I could just achieve “health,” I could achieve salvation.
wellness has been a horrific slippery slope for me (and I know I am not alone) the pursuit of thinness, beauty, clear skin… thinking that if only I could create the perfect OUTER container… that then..I would be saved and life would make sense and be good.
Life could start once I achieved X. I would be renewed. AHAHAHAH (again, scroll up to our boy Leo)
Now I see how that is such a wild trap that keeps people who identify or grew up as women distracted BUT EVEN IF YOU DO NOT IDENTIFY AS A WOMAN THIS IS DAMAGING TO US ALL!!!!!
(FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE READ JESSICA DEFINO)
unpacking my perfectionism has been a distressing process … (DENIAL IS HERE)
WE LOVE A DENIAL ERA!
DENIAL = THIS IS NOT HAPPENING (please refer back to our dog in a burning room)
here is the real question: am I blissfully unaware or am I trying to gaslight my shadow self into submission?
I’d have moments “IN MY JOURNEY” (derogatory)2 where I “came to” and woke up and saw my patterns — but it can be so difficult some times to walk your own path when the world around you is on automatic, plugged into the fear world.
What I’ve realized is that living is so messy (ask me about my divorce, lol) and perfectionism is just a coping mechanism for knowing I have a lack of control.
No one else *really* cares about how you live your life (and I don’t mean that in an emo 🖤 way, but more like we worry so much about what impression we are making that we forget to *actually* live)
I lived in my coping mechanisms for so long I thought that was my personality.
This process of awareness and self-inquiry can make me feel like I’m naked. It feels raw. It feels embarrassing. (HENCE DENIAL)
As we wake up to who we really are — there are a LOT of uncomfortable silences. I’m seeing all the places I go to distract myself from just sitting in the silence or from just being afraid of losing control or choosing to distract (ahem, tiktok) or numb instead of just accepting that everything is unknown. I am learning to be okay in the liminal space — getting acquainted with my energy and understanding that I will always make mistakes.
if you, like me, know your biggest hurdles are handling the grief from shame and guilt, denial, and repression - shadow work is the answer.
but it’s not the answer for what you think.
We must pause with the grief and the hurt to feel it, to see it, to understand it.
admitting to the hurts of the past isn’t embarrassing - we all have hurts that feel absurd, but it’s not the context, it’s the content - what did I internalize from that hurt? what was I feeling? what did I deeply encode that I just need to look at ?
SUNSHINE DISINFECTANT!!
what’s so funny is that what we shove down - it’s like a shadow puppet show - we think we’ve hidden it away, but it drives us - amplifying its impact when we don’t look it in the eye. it takes hold and has an outsized presence.
when I see my heartbreak that I didn’t address because I was too proud to admit I was hurt - I also see the string of choices to cover up the pain - but the cover up was also expressing the pain even further?
does anyone here watch southern charm? it’s being played out in Shep Rose whose life is starting to feel like the swimmer (said grimly and with no pleasure as I am genuinely concerned for this man and hope he is getting help) - a man who is so afraid of his feelings that he’s actively ruining his life. I get it though, you don’t understand why other people are ok in the environment you’re in but you’re so empty inside; chasing. Trying to create the external picture, stage mom-ing your life.
This is why it’s called the not-self when we’re outside of our energy.
Are you ready to work through this programming?
It starts with acknowledging that impossibly high standards can never be met. We have to retrain our brain to shift out of the constant critical internal monologue and into a progress mindset — one that’s not taking life so seriously- but applying a lighthearted touch and a perspective of gratitude.
It takes time to loosen the programming but it’s time to release this faulty coping strategy.
I am actively working on this EVERY DANG DAY.
You know I love affirmations. I find them so helpful in this process of letting go of perfectionist tendencies and moving into actual human standards. With affirmations it is clunky at first. STICK WITH IT.
I recommend reading anything by Louise Hay, Existential Kink, or whatever shadow werk program is calling to you
We must practice being gentle on ourselves every day.
clearly I now have to do shame part 4 to talk about all the things we can do to keep rebuilding.
If you missed the first part of this conversation - it started with these two:
Also, if you want to book time with me to process this vs your design - my door is always open, just reply to this email.
wine mom culture is denial culture is a fight against crushing perfectionism
thank you Hunter Harris for this one