healing through really looking (sunk cost fallacy exploration!)
an open heart heals even the most tender wounds (5 of Cups pt 2) journey into the shame spirals
SOMEONE QUICK, CALL GOOD WILL HUNTING BECAUSE I NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS EQUATION
SUNK COST FALLACY = EGO + BEING COMPLETELY UNMOORED AT THE THOUGHT OF WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO WITH MY TIME AND ENERGY IF I WASN’T DOING X?
YES MY LITTLE POUND PUPPIES, SUNK COST FALLACY RIDES AGAIN!
How Do We Change Course when we’ve been investing in a strategy that doesn’t serve? And can we blame the word of God?
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THIS SPECIAL LEAP DAY EDITION!
As we discussed in my last missive (about the 5 of Cups linked below) my natural programming is to be a victim of the past.
MY SAFE SPACE? Haunting my mistakes like a lil victorian child ghost. Just holding myself hostage to my cruelest thoughts, sending myself to the depths of hell of my own design.
As I’ve been unpacking my shame spirals ^ see above newsletter, lol - I’ve realized how insidious my shame is, even as I begin to unpack it, I feel embarrassed about my perfectionism, about the shame, about the self-sabotaging. Why is this happening to me? I must be… and I’m like OH MY GOD NOT TODAY SATAN, THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS.
I am not watching the new season of True Detective…
but from a podcast I listen to - I’ve heard that Jodi Foster’s character is constantly terrorizing her colleagues with the phrase“wrong question!!” NEEDLING THEM TO SEE EVIDENCE STRINGING TOGETHER IN A NEW WAY (AGAIN, MY CONJECTURE BECAUSE I HAVE NOT WATCHED THIS SHOW)1
WRONG QUESTION?
That struck me in the case of clearing out shame. Perhaps the question isn’t WHY IS THIS MY BELIEF 😩😩😩 but instead is WHAT IS THE BELIEF 🤔🤔🤔
Why is it that instead of happily integrating new information when faced with new solutions and new information - I am flooded with shame for not knowing?
As I have been meditating on this; prodding around asking, where did this come from? Why am I so afraid to make mistakes, to be wrong? I was led directly to my Christian past…
ORIGINAL SIN, HOW ABOUT ORIGINAL TRAUMA?? Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by the Bible!
it starts with the story of Adam and Eve.
YOU MIGHT THINK I AM JOKING BUT I AM NOT.
For those of us who grew up in the Christian faith, this is canon - which means it’s so deeply engrained our brain training that we don’t even realize it is there.
I LOVE STATING THE OBVIOUS, but I think like This is Water by David Foster Wallace, looking at the obvious is incredibly potent and brings out powerful insights.
When we’re retraining our brain we’re looking for stories and limiting beliefs that we’re bumping up against, that are governing our behavior.
And if you are a woman who grew up in the church then take a good look at this FUNDAMENTAL STORY AND TEACHING, where women implicitly and explicitly learn that our MERE existence is shameful, that our existence is less than men, and that making a mistake leads to catastrophic consequences…
Does that give you compassion for yourself when you get flooded by paralyzing shame at the thought of looking at how you’ve maybe made a mistake?
When Eves takes a bite from the apple and realizes she naked, what if instead of learning that God was angry at them for not listening and banishing them eternally, God was like, hey, what did you learn from doing something I told you not to do? [Side note - Should we do an iconic Bible story re-imagining with God as a Gentle Parent?]
Growing up, I absorbed the message that when you make a mistake it makes YOU bad (SEE THE BIBLE, SEE OUR CULTURE, SEE MANY THINGS THAT SHAPE OUR EXPERIENCE TO INTERNALIZE THIS FEELING)
the funny thing I’m realizing as a allow myself to sit in the discomfort of examining my thoughts and beliefs and behaviors is seeing that shame is a shapeshifter, it begets more of itself.
Shame doesn’t cancel out shame and yet so often we serve ourselves more and more helpings thinking it will somehow DO SOMETHING ELSE.
SHAME IS GOOD FOR ONE THING AND ITS BEING STUCK
If I think I have done something shameful, then the pile-on begins. I am bad. I am embarrassing… I am unworthy…the list goes on.
Shame is paralyzing. Shame renders me unable to cope. It keeps me from looking at and having compassion for making “mistakes,” that aren't even really mistakes, but are just a part of the growth cycle.
Sunk Cost FALLACY is a FALLACY because of SHIFTY OLE Shame
Shame makes us think we can’t change, that we’re not good enough to change, that we must stay in a pit of our own making. I do want to wander down a religion is mind-and-power control, but I don’t have the energy for that, but you can do the mental math and get where I’m going.
THE ANTI-DOTE TO SHAME IS LOOKING. AND I MEAN REALLY LOOKING.
The thing about shame though, is that in my experience, it is only dissolved through love and compassion.
Our eyes see what our brain thinks they should see and SHAME IS A POWERFUL TOOL IN THE FIGHT AGAINST SEEING. It is the ego protecting itself. the ego wants to keep the charade up as long as possible because stopping and admitting to working on a broken program? It feels awkward, it feels embarrassing, it feels painful.
Shame melts away when we look without judgement. When we sit through the flooding of shame to be with ourselves in the reality of the present moment.
Really seeing is being vulnerable, compassionate.
We all have a lens we look through. We can call it conditioning, we can call it a belief system - but our mind is trained to see things a particular way. We can move out of that training when we sit with the discomfort of, what if I am wrong?
Instead of saying, I AM WRONG, I AM SO STUPID (lament, shame) we could ask the question gently, what if I am wrong? (love and compassion version) (thanks Jodi2)
As a former classroom teacher and education graduate student - I have the literal research and first hand experience to tell you that growth and learning can only happen in an environment that is supportive.
Children cannot bloom through shame. Guess what mf’ers that goes for us adults too. I’d fish out my graduate thesis to find the studies but that was a long time ago and I am very tired, but here’s the summary of my work - in order for learning to happen, children must first be in a safe and warm environment - WHY WOULD WE THINK WE’D BE ANY DIFFERENT AS WE ARE JUST BIG CHILDREN!!!
If you are still stuck in Adam and Eve black and white shame thinking brain - because that is what was imprinted on you as a child, we’re going to take away the blame. Our original beliefs are not our fault.
Growth is facing yourself, looking at the flaws in our thinking, seeing how our little minds brought us to this point AND LOVINGLY CHOOSING DIFFERENTLY FOR YOURSELF.
as always, more to come
I love you all.
(if you know me than you know that speaking about media i’ve never consumed is my passion)
see extended true detective bit above
hard yes for the gentle parenting reimagining of the Bible!
Shame, the party guest that won't leave.