moving thru the Five of Cups energy
THIS CARD JUST KEEPS BEING RELEVANT TO MY LIFE
Paralyzing perfectionism!
Shame at things not going to plan!
Being stuck when things go off the rails!
Unable to move forward and see the whole picture!
This card’s got it all!
The Five of Cups punctuates my life lessons and permeates my thoughts + conversations.
SO PLEASE COME ALONG WITH ME, let me take you through my personal journey with the Five of Cups tarot card:
First stop, Five of Cups: Sunk Cost Fallacy
When I look at this card, the first thing I think about is how this dude really struggles with the Sunk Cost Fallacy. And I’m like, amen brother. Let’s just wallow in this pain.
About ten years ago in the grips of the most toxic ripe for lessons and wisdom relationship of my adult life, I had my first tarot reading. I was sent to this particular reader by my facialist who was quietly horrified by my life and was gently trying to wake me up. I went to the reading with questions about my career and this new relationship that was already running very hot and cold. As I sat in this woman’s kitchen in Williamsburg, feeling like I was speaking to the oracle in the matrix, the message came through loud and clear - MOVE TF ON from the dude I was dating.
Hearing that my best outcome was to break up?? NO MA’AM THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PLAN. I had ABSOLUTELY no capacity to receive this message healthfully and I immediately started bargaining with god.
Next Stop, Five of Cups: PARALYZING INACTION
What the cards brought up during that reading was how deeply afraid I was to deal with the truth.
The Five of Cups is both revealing and confirming that we’ve suffered a loss. I didn’t want to face that I’d have to give something up again. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING, NOT LOSING!!
[As a reader of energy and human design now, it makes me laugh to think about what this woman must have personally thought about all of this, because as you read for people, you know who’s coming to you fishing for particular answers, completely uninterested in the truth being reflected back ahem me during this reading]
Next Stop, FIVE OF CUPS: AM I RESISTING MY REALITY?? (DENIAL RUNS DEEP)
What I was really afraid to face? FEELING wrong. Anticipating The Shame for making ‘the wrong choice.’
Believing that I was an ineffective person because I was in this situation. SIDE NOTE, DEAR GOD I WAS TAKING LIFE A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY BACK THEN.
Absorbing my choice as a value judgement of self meant that I was actively resisting the fullness of my reality.
I will unpack the fullness of perfectionism in an upcoming letter but let’s just touch on this here - Repression and Denial are really the dream team of keeping perfectionism in the game. And when Repression and Denial deploy pinch hitter Fantasy?? OOOOEWEEEEEEEEEEE. LOOK OUT. REALITY RESISTANCE FULL COURT PRESS (extremely mixed sports talk, YOUBETCHA)
I was so good at pushing down my truth and painting it over with huge warped romantic narratives around this person being in my life. The layers of story and denial kept me from looking. Even with being faced with the truth! EVEN WHEN LOOKING AT THE OVERTURNED GOBLETS, I’M JUST LIKE, ACTUALLY I AM NOT SURE THAT I AM SEEING THIS???
NEXT STOP! FIVE OF CUPS! TUNNEL VISION + KEEPING SCORE TO MY OWN DETRIMENT
Five of Cups brings me face to face with my expectations. What I wanted DESPERATELY was to finally seem like I was doing better than my ex who’d broken my heart into 1 million tiny pieces a few years before. I was locked in a one-sided competition that no one else was aware of but me.
What I wanted was the validation of someone who checked a lot of boxes I could swing around with clout.
What I wanted was an external stamp of approval saying, you know your life might not being going to plan, but hey, THIS GUY LIKES YOU! What I wanted was to live a life I could post to instagram and inspire just a little bit of jealousy. (Projectors take note, this is a way we leak energy and keep ourselves in our not-self bitterness, the pursuit of proving)
My goal was to be saved through an external source. It was giving emotional unavailability. It was giving life escapism. It was giving tragedy. I was so afraid to examine my own wants, needs, and desires that instead I chose to play games centered on my worthiness that felt tied to my external accomplishment and statuses.
I engaged in my favorite sad girl game of fantasy - pretending my life was a movie and attempting to liVe out the plot line ‘this relationship will save my life if he saw that I was worthy of his time and attention‘
Five of cups: working through the dark night of the soul
The struggle to create a life with unwilling castmates - is something we see in media all the time. It’s Carrie + Big it’s every relationship on GIRLS. It’s giving delulu but not like how they say it as a compliment on TikTok.
What was internal felt so external. Because of how much people sit around and idly gossip, I felt like I had an audience constantly evaluating my life and judging me. Feeling sorry for me that I didn’t have a partner. come to find out later, that was all me externalizing my judgment subconsciously so I could be a mind-prisoner to it!
I felt broken. We live in a society where people go on the bachelor and talk about how they are too old to be single at 26. After getting married and getting divorced in my 30s, I really can only laugh heartily at the idea of a relationship or marriage being something that can fix you. We have such intense pressures floating around that we internalize so much of it without every examining it.
Looking at those 3 spilled cups - I was afraid to look at the fact that I’d spent time and energy into a sinking ship (again) because who’s fault but mine would it be?
Admitting to the mistake makes it real. Knowing it’s there and also willfully ignoring it: Schrödinger's cat.
Five of Cups: Do I have all the information here?
Ultimately, the Five of Cups is speaking to mindset, perspective, POV. We can choose to pay attention to what has transpired, to what is broken, OR WE CAN ZOOM OUT AND SEE IF THERE’S ANYTHING WE’RE MISSING. There’s a way to healthfully engage with the past and what’s happening and then there’s just deep shame (just to be clear that’s what’s outlined in the above)
The Five of Cups is a reminder - what I am seeing is one perspective. There is always more to see than just what’s right in front of me. How can I look with new eyes?
Five of Cups: AT ANY POINT YOU CAN TURN AROUND!
At any time, we can set ourselves free, an honestly terrifying thought. Agency means we’ve been stuck WITH the keys. It’s admitting ignorance. It’s feeling like a fool. But in order to take the journey, we must begin with a beginner’s mindset.
and also? No one had told me before that I had the keys. It’s ok to hear you can take responsibility over your life and panic a little bit.
FIVE OF CUPS: HOPE IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Instinctually, I knew she was right about ditching the guy, but I SIMPLY
WAS
NOT
READY.
My mindset wasn’t right or expanded enough to understand that leaving a relationship because my needs aren’t being met doesn’t mean I am unlovable. In fact, quite the opposite.
When we leave any relationship that isn’t serving us, we are loving ourselves first. If you are coming off Christian programming, this one can be particularly tough to pry off!
Instead of moving on, I doubled down, believing that if I rolled up my sleeves and popped under the hood of this guy, I could rewire him to love me1… and of course I wasn’t able to change him (and it took me ultimately another 3.5 years to really come to terms with this…🫠) but in dealing with my frustration, in facing that I was not able to be beat myself and my life into submission… along that way I found myself on this path.
More to come.
LOVING YOU ALWAYS DEAR READERS.
YOUR PAL, JG
THIS IS PROVING BEHAVIOR - TEXTBOOK NOT SELF EGO CENTER!!
Reading is hard for me, but reading your writing is a joy, and it helps. Thanks for the projector reminder about not trying to prove (dammit, we’re sure sure it doesn’t work right? Ok ok).