LOOSENING THE DEATH GRIP
EXPECTATIONS AND HOW THEY LIKE TO SLOWLY KILL US
“TAKE IT EASY,” THEY (ME, <3 LOL) SAID
I’ve been tracking myself consciously since the new moon earlier this month; noticing the texture and tone of my thoughts… observing the tension in my body… all with an eye towards compassion and non-judgment, to create space for presence.
I called this experiment “take it easy” because the idea was the invite ease into my life. Could I create ease just by observing myself?
It registered on a deeper level that if I am not comfortable in my body, none of the work I do, well…works.
THE FOUNDATION FOR ALL ENERGY WORK BEGINS IN THE BODY!!!
If I want to create measurable change in my outer world, I MUST START WITHIN!! It has been… HUMBLING (I come to this conclusion like once a season and forget and then rediscover it like I am Columbus)
What I thought was going to invite in ease (silly me) has been particularly confronting™️
BECAUSE, Y’ALL, WHAT I HAVE HAD TO COME TO TERMS WITH IS THIS… RIGHT NOW I AM A SNARLING, BITTER PROJECTOR BOILING OVER WITH HOT, STICKY RESENTMENT!!
RESENTMENT AT SO MANY THINGS! MYSELF MOSTLY!! AND IF YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR A MIN OR TWO THEN YOU KNOW IT ALL LOOPS BACK TO PERFECTIONISM (AND SHAME)
TURNS OUT THERE’S SOME PRE-WORK TO DO BEFORE I GET TO INVITING IN EASE AND IT IS ACKNOWLEDGING HOW MUCH BITTERNESS I AM HOLDING.
Being present in the body means being present to everything and everyone who’s showing up
if I’m shutting down due to shame, that’s blocking the healing! It’s blocking the present moment!
YES, BBs, despite writing about my stuckness and my shame for the last few notes - THERE IS STILL MORE SHAME TO SURFACE!
LET’S START WITH THE FACTS - Inviting in ease has opened my field of view.
Cultivating spaciousness in my body has meant that I am now much more aware of how rigidly I am constantly holding my body. The act of merely NOTICING the rigidity opens myself up to the messages that accompany the rigidity and it cascades from there.
Shadow, bubbling to the surface!
Expectations, rising the the surface!
GOOD LORD HOW AM I THIS SCARED AM I TO FEEL WHAT IS HAPPENING? (Very, based on the tension)
Each time I catch myself tuning into the tension with an open mind, something pops out - a memory, a shame, a fear… and I do my best to stay with it neutrally as to not push it back under the surface.
We dissolve shadow and integrate by being able to be with the bits of ourselves that are rough around the edges. When someone shuts me down, or “yucks my yum,” (couldn’t hate that phrase more, tbqf) that doesn’t encourage me to open up, so why would this same tactic applied to me by myself produce different results?
Each day as I tuned in - I was confronted with my bitterness (the telltale sign that something is off as a Projector)
WITHOUT TRYING TO JUDGING THE SH*T OUT OF MY BITTERNESS I REALIZED…
BITTERNESS IS MADE FROM EXPECTATIONS THAT STEM FROM LACK OF CONTROL THAT LEAD TO GRIPPING THAT LEAD TO BITTERNESS.
What’s that thing about insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results…?
This is what expectations do!! They set us up for this strange failure by making us think that if we try harder or are better or different, then the thing we’re holding on a pedestal will come through.
This is why my thesis statement is … EXPECTATIONS CAN AND WILL KILL YOU IF YOU LET THEM.
LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.
WHEN WE GRIP WE ARE SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT
BITTERNESS IS TAKING POISON AND EXPECTING THE OTHER PERSON (OR CIRCUMSTANCE) TO CHANGE
SO I’M HERE TO CONFESS, I’M A GRIPPER. (I’m a pusher, Cady)
Expectations are all those things we say SHOULD to - I should be further along, X person SHOULD like me, I should be this… THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT SLOWLY CHIP AWAY AT OUR SOULS!!!!!!!!!
WHEN WE ARE DOING THIS WE ARE RESISTING OUR REALITY!!!
THESE “Shoulds” are taking us AWAY from the body- they are building the tension, creating the wall between the message and the messenger (spirit + the body)
Gripping is attempted control. Expectations? Attempted Control.
When I spin out and spiral from my own conjectures? YOU GUESSED IT. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.
Something that surprised me as I’ve waded through this process? Discovering how most of my expectations are negative!
Because I hate being disappointed SO MUCH, I set myself up for disappointment because it’s the thing I fear the most and then because I’d rather have disappointment that I expect than disappointment I don’t expect I INVITE IN DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE TIME WITH MY EXPECTATIONS??
somehow I’ve drawn a very shaky parallel between this and Darla who cannot handle being a fish mom and instead of being able to be gentle with her fish friends shakes them to death (my memory of a subplot of finding nemo)
WHEN WE ATTACH TO AN OUTCOME, THAT IS AN EXPECTATION, WHEN WE ATTACH TO THAT - WE’RE CLOSING OFF TO THE MAGIC OF LIFE
expectations basically are the diametrical opposite of “be here now”
have you heard of NATO (NOT THAT NATO)
this one
N = NOT
A = ATTACHED
T = TO
O = OUTCOME
OBVI EASIER SAID THAN DONE - BUT THE MORE WE’RE PRACTICING BEING PRESENT AND NOT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF OURSELVES FOR OUR FEELINGS, THAN WE CAN RIDE THE WAVE OF LIFE
Wow.
The magic trick is that to dissolve our expectations, to release ourselves from the death grip of expectations, all we do have to do is be here now. Allowing what’s happening to happen without judging the life out of ourselves and our surroundings.
Have you heard that saying that the person who’s the most relaxed is the person with the most power? It’s because they aren’t gripping. They are present.
Whew, what a thought.
As always more to come and I welcome your thoughts and comments.
Your support and subscriptions keep this operation afloat
bless u
xx,
jennifer thom gage
