girl church tackles situationships
the not self, shame AND HARVEY SPECTER...? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ive been going through the eye of the needle recently
the Pluto retrograde + scorpio full moon portal double combo meal from the last few weeks1 has been a revealing and humbling time for me (perhaps you remember my missive titled “where are you lying to yourself?”
where am I lying to myself? that im ok with being in a situationship (im not)
as we moved from April into May, I had to accept that I was not getting my needs met, I was not going to get my needs met and even if this person were to fully show up for me, I wasn’t truly interested; I was only entertaining this because it was ever so slightly being held away from me (ik, not great bob)
the premise was faulty to begin with - I told myself that I knew what I was getting into, therefore it wouldn’t burn me (I prefer my pain upfront and in my face2)
I can confirm I am not above thinking my natural effervescence will convince someone they should change their mind so I have the power to reject them (insert two thumbs up) yes, I am exploring this in therapy
not to brag, but im really good at ignoring the facts, for instance, it wasn’t until I was fully dogging in a burning room that I took action on leaving my ex (husband)
so I have been working on strengthening my relationship to ACTING on my intuition because I sometimes take testing it too far and things escalate quickly —
like, was that really the message? what happens if I ignore the call?
here's how that went when I had the message to divorce my ex:
first god opened a metaphorical window and whispered, it’s time. and to that message I put on headphones and drowned out the noise. only for the door to blow open (my hair falling out in little chunks) and I’m like well that’s inconvenient, but I shut the door, only for god to knock down the whole house and be like ARE WE READY TO FACE THE MUSIC NOW BITCH? (finding my ex actively conducting an affair)
so it shouldn’t be a complete shock to me that it had to take a humbling turn for me to tune into my own reality because baby, I don’t listen to the little voices, I wait until it’s crystal clear there’s nothing left before I go.
so leading up to that full moon portal my intuition was like… do you need your hair to fall out again or what …and I was like UGH, no, FINE I will not continue to degrade myself… and I started making lil memes like this (and the one above) to cheer myself up (because I do love the degradation a little bit3)
I have to be honest, that I relished in sharing the details of how I felt disrespected and being like can you believe how insane this turned out and then wondered silently to myself, what exactly did I think would go differently when I continued to create a temporary alliance with someone who isn’t capable of being present?
so I have had to face that sometimes I am a messy bitch who loves a lil drama and that getting dog walked by this situation was my active choice because I kept showing up to gamble with those mixed signals because that’s what feels familiar to me (said shame free because existential kink, bb) and that doesn’t make me less valuable or less lovable — but it does mean I am using my energy for chaos instead of actually building a life I say I want
and it’s interesting because I think we get checked like this to see where we really are and this whole experience has reminded me that as a procrastinator perfectionist, I love to romance the tests and trials and tribulations because sometimes it’s more “fun” to get burned then really be out there and try
I’m frequently a subversive escape artist— instead of head on going for what I want, I won’t admit it to myself and I’ll go at it sideways mostly trying to spiritually bypass by attempting to solve for what I want to accomplish through my dating life — hiding behind my partner (or attempted partner) achievements and thinking that will be enough
and this is the biggest place where I lie to myself — thinking that if I am with someone accomplished that it will save me from having to be out there being seen trying to succeed.
being sent an avoidant made me realize that I avoid myself by partaking in my favorite flavor of off-roading the path
“if I can just get this person to see me, then I’ll be secure”
this is a trap. every single time (the not self always is)
I’ve done this song and dance before and even successfully gotten that out of reach person to see me and it’s literally the most unsatisfactory win there is.
BUT WHEN THE EGO IS ACTIVATED - we’re not being rational. when my ego is activated, I’m a stubborn old goat, who doesn’t want to believe that I am still shrinking in order to chase a false sense of security, so I deny that it’s happening (a cool little ouroboros moment)
It’s actually funny that’s I understand this best from the lens of simple economics - but here we go:
free market economics:
seller - here’s a thing
buyer - I don’t like that
moves on, no feelings hurt, no convincing, another buyer can choose to get the thing or not
shame // trauma brain economics:
seller - here’s a thing
buyer - I don’t like that, but I don’t feel like I have capacity to say no for whatever reason, so I’m going to take this and try and work with it and feel super weird about it
buyer later on - why am I surrounded by things I don’t like? Am I a trash person?
this situation occurs because choice doesn’t feel optional — false binary enters the chat, when really it’s always a Harvey Specter:
AND THIS IS WHERE THE WORK COMES IN - IF WE HAVE A LOOP WHERE WE THINK WE ONLY HAVE ONE CHOICE, THEN WE HAVE TO CONSTANTLY REDIRECT THE BRAIN TO SAY, I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY LAWYER ABOUT THIS (HARVEY SPECTER BEING SAID LAWYER)
how is this a mirror— where I am denying myself?
I asked myself — ok, i’m triggered by this person, so how is this person mirroring my internal beliefs back to me? How can I use this situation as a springboard to my own growth?
where am I not seeing myself that I believe I need to engage in this loop where I am consistently dissatisfied?
I had to face that I am still afraid of intimacy.
I’m so afraid of being hurt again and blindsided4 that I’d rather just take my dissatisfaction upfront, only to realize after this last rodeo, maybe that’s not the best strategy
so instead of shaming myself for this faulty girl math, I’ve been looking into where I haven’t centered myself (because if im trying to choose someone who isn’t choosing me, then im also not choosing me)
it led me to realize that I have experienced a lot of very real isolation and social punishment for being seen as a threat to men.
growing up, I was surrounded by people who either OUTRIGHT SAID or implicitly conveyed a woman’s worth is tied to her relationship status to a man —so when I was exiled from my christian community and rejected by the “good” men for being a “temptress” (for just existing fwiw) it makes sense that I still fall for this side quest.
Of course I want to “win” this time and this grace and compassion for myself sets me free from the false binary
so of course, my inner good church girl is hoping to finally secure the approval I never got, of course I want to mitigate my threat level by trying to secure external safety through relationship to men BUT AGAIN THIS IS THE BATTLE THAT NEVER CAN BE WON NOR DOES IT FEEL SATISFYING.
media tells us all good girls get rewarded with a healthy relationship, when really what is actually satiating is living aligned with the body and the heart - and from this place of alignment, we can actually tune into our true desires
when I see it this way, when I understand what has driven my actions, I can then grieve the past, the traumas that pushed me to this subconscious place and I can then choose consciously now that I am in the present and no longer stuck in a story
a man cannot create safety for me.
I create safety for me by being myself. ONLY SPIRITUAL INTEGRITY SATISFIES (me)
because when I am in my lane, focused on myself, I don’t need approval. I don’t care. I’m too busy being present and enjoying my life.
You’ve been tuned into girl church, thanks for being here, announcements and fellowship to follow:
I’ve been building a course that’s putting together all of my knowledge so far about how to get back into the body when you’ve been knocked off course (so excited to share with you when it’s ready, omgggggg)
@alyssa_mouse03#CapCut This has to be the sweetest trend ever! 🥺🥰😍⚡️🏎9️⃣5️⃣❤️ My childhood idol will always be in a special place my heart! 🤧🥺🥰😍🤩🏎⚡️9️⃣5️⃣❤️ #fyp #pixarcars #lightningmcqueen #maddymcgear
For those of you who are in Los Angeles-
I am hosting an in person workshop in Atwater Village on 6.14.25 at 7pm at my amazing facialist’s studio
tickets can be purchased here and if you are outside of the LA area - I will be hosting a zoom workshop too the following weekend (tickets at the same link)
I’ve updated my sessions to streamline it to 30/60/90 minutes of time - each session is always tailored to you and where you are
and I’ve opened up to in person readings in the LA area - all my offerings can be found here
questions, comments, etc - reach out, I love hearing from you <3
until next time!
(we’re still in Pluto retrograde until mid-oct fwiw)
how healed of me, lol
trauma brain bb
(which self-compassion, makes sense based on my history)