Being Afraid of Big-ness
Showing up and being seen (as a Projector)
A Projector tackles their biggest foe - transparency
being seen
perceived
every time I sit down to write a new edition to this substack, something comes out that truly surprises me. In my last letter when this little butterbomb of truth popped out from my fingies, I was honestly shocked to read it even though I was…THE PERSON TYPING IT (I love me, ahaha)
“Because I hate being disappointed SO MUCH, I set myself up for disappointment because it’s the thing I fear the most and then because I’d rather have disappointment that I expect than disappointment I don’t expect I INVITE IN DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE TIME WITH MY EXPECTATIONS??”
Is it a bit of a slog to read? yes. But the sentiment is what matters. I prefer expected disappointment to unexpected disappointment.
WHY DOES THIS MATTER? IT IS WHAT WE CALL A SECONDARY GAIN.
FINDING OUR SECONDARY GAINS MEANS WE’RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO DISSOLVING A PATTERN!
I have a feeling all of you dear readers are pretty fluent in therapy, energetics and mindset work, but in this context, this is thrilling because it’s the secondary gain that is what keeps us stuck in the unwanted pattern. The secondary gain is what is keeping us safe -
Let’s walk through this example:
I know I *want* to be seen - As a Projector, being seen is mission critical to my success. I consciously want to be seen and in fact, I am SUPER resentful that I’m not more seen, but having this disappointment piece pop up shows me that there is a piece of me working hard to keep myself safe from being seen by looping on controlled, expected disappointment.
That same part of me is terrified of the repercussions of being seen - because of the past, being blindsided by unexpected disappointments. This part of me thinks I will be out of control if I am seen / or allow myself to be seen + that it is more safe to keep looping on this familiar patterns.
When we find our sticking points ^^ like figuring out a disappointment loop is comforting and controllable - then we can start to really have some fun with things.
There’s that saying that everything we want is on the other side of fear and that definitely rings true in this case. Being seen means working through the fears and patterns that this part of me holds - expanding my capacity to experience the unfamiliar energy patterns and gently expand my capacity to be seen.
I’m working on dissolving this subconscious loop through by rejoining To Be Magnetic and changing to a new therapist. (link is affiliate, for full transparency)
I’m about a month in on working with this subconscious loop and I can feel little shifts happening - like this month was my best month all year for Human Design clients!
As I’ve been charting this - I was surprised how much this pattern has historically affected my career and love life - but once we bring a pattern to the surface it’s so much easier to chart its path. Because I’ve done so much shame work - Ive been able to look at the threads almost clinically which has been really helpful in MOVING FORWARD AND DISSOLVING THIS OLD PATTERN.
I’ll keep you posted on how this all keeps developing because…
JUNE AND JULY IS A COSMIC PORTAL
A LOT IS HAPPENING™️ there is something 👽 afoot and if you catch the tail right, you can ride this energy into an entirely new life / chapter.
ICYMI - We’re in the midst of an insane moon portal with the full moon in Capricorn kicking off cancer season this past Friday (6/21) AND THEN THERE IS ANOTHER FULL MOON IN CAPRICORN HITTING ON 7/21 SO HANG TIGHT (OR LOOSE PREFERABLY) BECAUSE WE CAN EXPERIENCE SOME MASSIVE CHANGE (hopefully for the better) IN THIS PORTAL IF YOU LET IT.
AS I’VE BEEN WORKING WITH MY PATTERNS… I’ve noticed that this potent timing of June/July is frequently a portal for me - I’ve changed jobs multiple times in June and moved out of state twice, like 7 years ago when I left NYC for an extended summer trip to Austin and ended up staying there for 4 years (and my life changed pretty dramatically)
I think we’re gearing up for some really interesting stuff over the next month.
What’s happening in your world?
If you want to work with me on your energetics - reach out and we’ll get you in the books 📖