undefined g strikes again
some thoughts on changing and seeking
I’m constantly changing things.
From big things like my career and where I live (I’ve moved at least once a year every year since graduating high school), to smaller things like how I wear my hair or the constant shift in what my blog or newsletter is called, I am consistently inconsistent.
I carry so much shadow around the fact that I can’t just "pick something and stick with it.” I’ve absorbed told that if I want to succeed on the internet, I’ve got to pick something easy to understand and build under that umbrella. (BUILD THE HILL YOU WANT TO DIE ON??)
Recently it dawned on me that this is TEXTBOOK undefined G CONDITIONING.
In human design, the g center holds together the “identity” (I’ve included photos of some charts for reference if you’re not sure which energy center I’m speaking about here)
the left chart shows an undefined g-center while the center and right charts show a defined g-center
Top line, if you’re not familiar with the g-center: it represents our relationship with love, identity, and purpose.
As an UNDEFINED G-CENTER I am inherently designed to explore how my relationship to self CHANGES as I experience different environments (and apparently I love to explore this - see above reference to my 20+ moves).
The change is constant, frequently self-inflicted (!!) and somehow one of my deepest wells of shame 🤡!! I CHOOSE CHANGE AND THEN I CHOOSE TO SHAME MYSELF ABOUT SAID CHANGE!!
BUT THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE - SEEKING OUT SAFETY THRU DENIAL OF SELF.
The duality of seeking change and simultaneously hating myself for the change and wondering why I am driven to change and hoping that this is the last change and knowing it won’t be…but still hoping… and then battling internally with another part of me is thrilled and DRIVEN by the unknown. It’s been an immense pressure point and it wasn’t until recently that I realized I AM THE SOURCE OF THE PRESSURE.
I seek safety in the (FALSE) idea that stability (security) is being someone who doesn’t change. Intellectually I know it is nothing but an illusion. I “understand'“ there is no salvation through seeking, yet, I hope PARADOXICALLY that if I can only find a place to fit in, then my heart will be at peace.
This friction is common and is so beautifully illustrated through the G-center.
The unbalanced undefined G is looking for love, purpose and direction (as means to safety) but this seeking can quickly slip into Hungry Ghost territory (outlined above, lol)
The Not-Self theme of the G (again, broad strokes here) is marked by someone who is seeking love, direction, purpose to feel rooted, that when I have X then I’ll be … feeling. It’s a trap so many of us get caught up in - the chase, the pursuit that something external will fill the void inside.
When framed as the NOT SELF - we can see that this seeking is covering something up, it’s a distraction from our deeper purpose.
Seeing the Not-Self of the G made my search make sense. Chasing love or a label or an accomplishment won’t fill or fix what I haven’t built up inside, that’s why it’s the NOT SELF.
What will be fulfilling to me when it comes to relating to love, and direction, and purpose is understanding that I’m not running up a mountain to get to a destination. My job is to learn to enjoy the ever-evolving journey as I let myself move through layers and eras, allowing my spirit and life to reveal itself to me.
want to talk about this further - just write back 👻