STEPPING INTO FULL EXPRESSION
COME INTO THE SPIRAL OF MY MIND
Like most of us, I deeply fear rejection. If I allow myself to be seen, THEN WHAT
THEN. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!
::TRIGGER LACK OF CONTROL SPIRAL::
REMEMBERS THAT CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION…
PRIMAL SCREAM INTO THE ABYSS
STEPS DEEPER INTO DESTINY (FURTHER THE PLOT)
WHATEVER PATH YOU TAKE TO RECLAIM YOUR FULL IDENTITY, THE CHOICE IS FUNDAMENTALLY THIS:
stay small, stay ‘in control’ or choose to step out of the box, be fully you and take the ride
SURRENDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
IT’S THE THEME OF THE SUMMER FOR ME BB. Angels + Amethyst had a story post on IG that said, SURRENDER OR BE DRAGGED and I was like DAMN IF THAT ISN’T IT.
[I haven’t been writing publicly save for my IG stories because there has been so much internal work that I haven’t been able to really get a grip on what’s happening until all of a sudden I’m like oh wow, summer’s got like a month left and it’s felt like nothing has happened and yet a lot of things have happened] STILL WATERS RUN DEEP.
ANYWAY - I’VE REALIZED IF I WANT TO BE SEEN - I HAVE TO COMMIT TO THE BIT! IF I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW I HAVE THIS POV AND THESE IDEAS - I’VE GOT TO PUT THEM OUT HERE IN THE PUBLIC SPHERE MORE REGULARLY! So thank you, my dear readers for being here with me as I move through this space in bursts and fits.
ONTO THE MEAT OF WHAT I’VE STRUCK WITHIN MYSELF! (THAT SENTENCE MAKES ME FEEL WEIRD AND I’M KEEPING IT IN!)
1. FIRST AND FOREMOST, MESSAGES ARE EVERYWHERE
THE BODY IS THE VESSEL, THE BODY IS THE MESSENGER - BUT ALSO EVERYTHING CAN BE A MESSAGE IF YOU ARE OPEN TO INTERACTING WITH YOUR WORLD IN THAT WAY.
2. DISCONNECTION ISN’T SHAMEFUL - IT’S THE HERO’S JOURNEY
3. FULL EXPRESSION IS SURRENDER TO THE PROCESS
4. REPEAT FOREVER UNTIL DEATH AND THEN DO IT AGAIN IN THE NEXT LIFE?!
This is the structure of what I’ve been working with and thinking through and experiencing - I’m going to lay this out for you if you want to come through my thought process:
In my experience - life has a way of nudging us forward, giving us opportunities to step through discomfort + into our fullness of being. Our bodies and environment carry messages for us each moment - and our free will is to heed or ignore the message. In Human Design - this choice is communicated by the option - “or not” written into every energetic (while we could pause here and debate free will over destiny - we have the illusion of choice, whether or not it is real is not something I’m taking on right now)
I KEEP LEARNING THIS OVER AND OVER - THE BODY IS THE MESSENGER, THE BODY IS THE VESSEL!! Getting in your body is simple to say but for me, much more difficult to do. The process of being in the body + feeling into our messages is actually uncomfortable (it’s new, it’s unknown, it’s against the grain)
If you also were AFAB. (assigned female at birth) then you are a lucky winner of being taught that how your body feels is irrelevant to HOW YOUR BODY LOOKS - I know men are also subjected to this - but as a person living in a woman’s body - this has been the toughest unwiring I’ve done because it’s so easy to undo. We’re taught to override our body’s messages and feelings by focusing solely on our outward appearance - this obsession is ONE WAY we are taught to be disconnected (there are so many ways we learn to disconnect)
We numb the body to assimilate into our environments, but in my experience the body will just continue to work to communicate, no matter how hard we try to block these messages. IMHO, the body will work to get you to wake up until death (READ MATTHEW PERRYS BOOK IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE ME)
WHERE I HAVE GOTTEN HUNG UP IS WHERE SHAME INTERSECTS WITH NOT LISTENING TO MESSAGES - I realize I’ve been ignoring my messages, I think I should be better than that, so then I dig myself deeper in the hole by knowing that I’m not taking action - it’s very special!
It’s daunting to realize that we’re receiving messages and not getting them - but God has a way of working through everything. This is the amazing thing! God is in everything! We always can choose our redemption (sidenote: everything I learned at bible camp I realize is true, it’s just expressed differently - god’s love is frequency, it’s choice, it’s always available to work with - some people call this source, energy, higher self, divine intelligence - I’m leaning back into God because it’s how I originally learned all these things and I like it!) Our messages come through our surroundings, the sky, books, social media, friends, anything!
ANY TIME WE DECIDE TO COME BACK HOME TO OURSELVES AND OUR BODY IS THE RIGHT TIMING!! Beating ourselves up about should have known better or this shouldn’t be happening… THIS IS DISCONNECTION!!!! DISCONNECTION IS DISTORTION! NOTHING IS PERSONAL AND EVERYTHING IS PERSONAL! DUALITY!! (READ EXISTENTIAL KINK)
What does this have to do with being seen?
Being seen is an extension of self-acceptance.
We can accept the projections of others if we are rooted in love for our own being.
We do not have to strive for perfection, but strive for CONNECTION.
THE GREAT SHAME SPIRAL 🌀
Shame is actually an incredible tool when you think about it - it keeps things in place, it freezes, it commands. Shame makes something unmentionable, unnameable - which keeps it locked in the shadow space - moving through shame has been my biggest block and celebration (when I move through it)
ENERGY MECHANIC TIME! If we are energy, if we are frequency - shame and all the things that “block” us - are frequency distortions. Shame can change our frequency and just knowing this can set off another spiral.
BUT DISCONNECTING FROM OUR TRUTH IS PART OF BEING HUMAN! SO THE ‘MISTAKE’ IS THINKING THAT WE SHOULD PILE ON SHAME WHEN WE GET OUT OF ALIGNMENT!!!
This is where I was getting stuck FOR LIKE 10 YEARS OFF AND ON - feeling like I failed and melting under shame because I was out of alignment. I *NOW* KNOW that getting out of alignment IS part of the process, it is ok! It is in fact, neutral! Contraction + expansion are the rhythms of nature!
I PERSONALLY AM REALLY GOOD AT DENIAL, REPRESSION, AND IGNORING THINGS [CUE DOG IN A BURNING ROOM SAYING IT’S FINE] AND I BET YOU ARE TOO! society teaches us these things!
We see our peers, our parents, our coworkers, our friends - we see them power through things and we do it to ourselves - we set up black and white thinking that protects us from even going there (read week 1 of the artists way if you want to start unpacking this in yourself)
VALIDATING YOUR FEARS CAN HELP NEUTRALIZE SHAME
The thought that keeps so many of us stuck: “IF I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE MYSELF BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN” IS ACTUALLY A REASONABLE THOUGHT TO HAVE BECAUSE IT IS REINFORCED IN THE MEDIA ALL THE TIME (IF YOU WANT ME TO DO A WHOLE NEWSLETTER ABOUT THIS I WILL)
As you clear out all the gunk in your aura space - it’s easy to think your work is done - but that’s where the work begins in earnest (!!!)
SO HERE YOU ARE CONNECTING BACK INTO YOUR BODY AND OMG, THERE ARE SO MANY MESSAGES + SO MANY CORRESPONDING FEARS = TAKE COVER, STAY SMALL …
This is the Ego at work. Ego is like FUUUUUUUCK WE CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS, LET’S PLEASE GO BACK TO UNCONSCIOUS.
THIS IS WHERE YOU’VE GOT TO STAY VIGILANT AND KEEP AT IT BECAUSE WHAT I’VE FOUND IS THIS… is what I think I fear and what I avoid actually most of the time is incorrect (!!!) and doesn’t come to fruition.
HOW THIS IS SHOWING UP IN MY LIFE
This summer I finally took the call from one of my messages that just wouldn’t quit - accepting to myself that I personally identify as non-binary and my attraction is to people of all genders.
I’d been hiding my fullness of my identity consciously and subconsciously for a long time. I would pick and choose who to reveal myself to UNTIL the mental math of corralling myself FINALLY got to be too much (AMAZING HOW MUCH CAPACITY I HAVE FOR LIMITING MYSELF!!)
Once I chose to accept myself (facing what I was avoiding) I realized I was able to integrate into this expanded identity so quickly.
Speaking my truth was met with love + kindness and at worst it was met with a shrug and a wee bit of silence.
What I realized AFTER I TOOK THE ACTION OF OUTING MYSELF ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH RECKLESS ABANDON was that I was fearing my own judgment AND A CORRESPONDING flood of shame from keeping myself hidden for so long.
MY FLAWED THINKING WAS - IF I ACCEPT THIS IN MYSELF, I WILL BE FLOODED WITH EVEN MORE SHAME THAN I HAVE RIGHT NOW. AGAIN THIS IS THE EGO AT WORK WHO’S LIKE CAN WE NOT ROCK THE BOAT??
WE’VE GOT TO WORK THROUGH THE EGO AND MOVE TO THE PLACE OF FAITH - THAT OUR EXPANSION AND EXPRESSION IS OUR BIRTHRIGHT.
Taking the action comes with relief, but it’s also can be really revealing - like when I realized I was using all my energy to hide so well, that I didn’t actually know what I like to do! That could lead to another shame spiral (obviously I’ve taken that one a lot of times) but it can also be met with curiosity, excitement, exploration - the unknown is all encompassing!!!
MOVING INTO ACTION IS SCARY BECAUSE IT IS UNKNOWN - BOTH GREAT THINGS CAN HAPPEN AND SOMETIMES PAINFUL THINGS HAPPEN TOO.
ACTION IS CHOICE - CHOICE MEANS SOMETHING IS ALSO NOT CHOSEN.
Following our messages opens new doors and closes doors too AND THAT IS THE SURRENDER PART - OPENING TO OUR FULLNESS IS TAKING THE RIDE.
The energy it takes to keep up the illusion is magically freed up when we take the action to dissolve it. It doesn’t keep feeding the beast, it reveals what is underneath. If you’ve ever dealt with substance abuse or an eating disorder- then you also know this first hand. Sometimes we go back to our addictions and habits because it’s what we know. Moving beyond them is like learning to exist on a new plane.
Once the spell has been broken and the energy is no longer held taut - it springs forth and a new destiny opens up.
This is the self beyond the self.
It is what we fear and it is also what we seek. It is our vulnerability and it is our power. Owning our vulnerability is also then strengthening our power. It is not clothes or trends that makes the man - it is the power to be self. To embrace the light and the dark.